A few months ago Amber Rose, a healer and an instructor at the Swedish Institute, asked me if I was mad at God. I told her that I wasn’t. Afterwards her question stuck in my head and I realized that I was lying to myself. I know that things are my fault and not God's; nonetheless it didn’t matter, I was still angry with God and had been for a couple of years.
Spiritually I was standing in the middle of an unending empty desert, even as an atheist I hadn’t felt spiritually empty like this. I knew I was being unreasonable but still I was angry with God and I was unable to let go of my anger. After years of wondering if there is there a God I really knew there is a God but my prayers felt empty even when I could see God answering them because between me and God was all my anger.
Finally a few nights ago I told God “God you know I am mad at you. I’ve tried and tried to stop being mad at you, I can’t please take it away.” The hollow feeling in my chest left and with it my anger. I feel unsure about God, kind of nervous still, but it feels good not to be mad at God anymore.
3 comments:
Very insightful post. I also have experienced those kinds of feelings at times.
Thanks so much for sharing this experience.
Thank you for your encouraging comments
I've been angry, distant, imperfect, frustrated, impatient. Every time I confess, I get the same answer.
"I still love you."
It is a powerful thing, isn't it?
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