Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Mad At God
A few months ago Amber Rose, a healer and an instructor at the Swedish Institute, asked me if I was mad at God. I told her that I wasn’t. Afterwards her question stuck in my head and I realized that I was lying to myself. I know that things are my fault and not God's; nonetheless it didn’t matter, I was still angry with God and had been for a couple of years.
Spiritually I was standing in the middle of an unending empty desert, even as an atheist I hadn’t felt spiritually empty like this. I knew I was being unreasonable but still I was angry with God and I was unable to let go of my anger. After years of wondering if there is there a God I really knew there is a God but my prayers felt empty even when I could see God answering them because between me and God was all my anger.
Finally a few nights ago I told God “God you know I am mad at you. I’ve tried and tried to stop being mad at you, I can’t please take it away.” The hollow feeling in my chest left and with it my anger. I feel unsure about God, kind of nervous still, but it feels good not to be mad at God anymore.